My Daily Apple

This is not a computer metaphor.

I eat one apple every day and I have to tell you that it is a highlight of my afternoon. While I've been known to take a banana to the hilt during the sleepy part of the afternoon in order to keep my motor running, nothing beats the zap-zing-zop! of a nice crispy apple during the evening commute. I laugh out loud and turn up the music. I relax in my chair and watch the farms slide by. I tap on the steering wheel and hum.

I used to eat my apple at work, which has its uses, but as I've refined my apple eating best practices I have come to the firm conclusion that apples are most productively applied to giving me a lift right before I come home, in order that I may meet the children with smiles and vim rather than aches and dreary.

Apples are the fruit of love. Bananas, in contrast, are the thinking man's fruit. Bananas should be inserted before creative brainstorming meetings or when trying to work through a particularly sticky compositing problem. Bananas make geniuses out of janitors and rocket scientists out of motion graphics jockeys. Bananas lift us up where we belong. All you need is bananas.

And apples. Like I said, topping off the day with a juicy green Grannysmith gives me the shazam required for suppertime parenting. As soon as I get into the car the hankering begins. How bad can the drive home be when you've got apples?

People who doubt the power of apples are probably Irhabi fucknuts or Communists. All good people like apples. Since there is a nearly infinite set of possible apple varieties, people who claim not to like apples simply haven't done enough research. There's an apple out there for everybody.

Just to name a few there's the Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Rome Beauty, Winesap, Criterion, Gala, Jonagold, Classic Pippin, Newtown Pippin, McIntosh, Gravenstein, Fuji, Braeburn, Elstar, Spartan, Sunrise, Empire, Ginger Gold, Honeycrisp, Jonamac, Red Cort, Ida Red, Cortland, Northern Spy, Paula Red, Almata, Gold Russet, and Maiden's Blush. And of course the Baldwin, Black Oxford, Ben Davis, Blue Pearman, Dudley, Fameuse, Grimes Golden, King, Strawberry, Rhode Island Greening, Winter Red Flesh, Wolf River, and the famous Dolgo Crab. And no one could forget the Arkansas Black, Ashmead's Kernel, Blacktwig, Blenheim Orange, Black Gilliflower, Doctor, Fall Russet, Franklin, Cox's Orange Pippin, Fukunishiki, Davey, Holstein, Hopple's Antique Gold, Ingrid Marie, Jubilee, Kandil Sinap, Lady Sweet, Lamb Abbey Pearmain, Lord's Seedling, McLellan, Pitmaston Pineapple, Mother, Roxbury Russet, Jonathan, Salome, Senator, Snow, Somerset, Swayzie, Tremlett's Bitter, Virginia Gold, or the Westfield Seek-No-Further.

Bananas, on the other hand, are a clone army and therefore cannot be fully trusted, no matter how delicious they may be.

The word for apple in French is pomme.