My Daily Apple

This is not a computer metaphor.

I eat one apple every day and I have to tell you that it is a highlight of my afternoon. While I've been known to take a banana to the hilt during the sleepy part of the afternoon in order to keep my motor running, nothing beats the zap-zing-zop! of a nice crispy apple during the evening commute. I laugh out loud and turn up the music. I relax in my chair and watch the farms slide by. I tap on the steering wheel and hum.

I used to eat my apple at work, which has its uses, but as I've refined my apple eating best practices I have come to the firm conclusion that apples are most productively applied to giving me a lift right before I come home, in order that I may meet the children with smiles and vim rather than aches and dreary.

Apples are the fruit of love. Bananas, in contrast, are the thinking man's fruit. Bananas should be inserted before creative brainstorming meetings or when trying to work through a particularly sticky compositing problem. Bananas make geniuses out of janitors and rocket scientists out of motion graphics jockeys. Bananas lift us up where we belong. All you need is bananas.

And apples. Like I said, topping off the day with a juicy green Grannysmith gives me the shazam required for suppertime parenting. As soon as I get into the car the hankering begins. How bad can the drive home be when you've got apples?

People who doubt the power of apples are probably Irhabi fucknuts or Communists. All good people like apples. Since there is a nearly infinite set of possible apple varieties, people who claim not to like apples simply haven't done enough research. There's an apple out there for everybody.

Just to name a few there's the Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Rome Beauty, Winesap, Criterion, Gala, Jonagold, Classic Pippin, Newtown Pippin, McIntosh, Gravenstein, Fuji, Braeburn, Elstar, Spartan, Sunrise, Empire, Ginger Gold, Honeycrisp, Jonamac, Red Cort, Ida Red, Cortland, Northern Spy, Paula Red, Almata, Gold Russet, and Maiden's Blush. And of course the Baldwin, Black Oxford, Ben Davis, Blue Pearman, Dudley, Fameuse, Grimes Golden, King, Strawberry, Rhode Island Greening, Winter Red Flesh, Wolf River, and the famous Dolgo Crab. And no one could forget the Arkansas Black, Ashmead's Kernel, Blacktwig, Blenheim Orange, Black Gilliflower, Doctor, Fall Russet, Franklin, Cox's Orange Pippin, Fukunishiki, Davey, Holstein, Hopple's Antique Gold, Ingrid Marie, Jubilee, Kandil Sinap, Lady Sweet, Lamb Abbey Pearmain, Lord's Seedling, McLellan, Pitmaston Pineapple, Mother, Roxbury Russet, Jonathan, Salome, Senator, Snow, Somerset, Swayzie, Tremlett's Bitter, Virginia Gold, or the Westfield Seek-No-Further.

Bananas, on the other hand, are a clone army and therefore cannot be fully trusted, no matter how delicious they may be.

The word for apple in French is pomme.


The Girl in Black said...

Whoa! I feel so much better for eating an apple with lunch today.

A recent chain email claims you expend more calories eating an apple than you consume.

Is there no end to the apple's awesomeness?

Especially since your perspective of bananas makes me feel a little dirty. In a good way, rest assured. Now I have to go find my boyfriend!

Teddy said...

I am also a Granny Smith person. I like the crispness and bitterness to them, helps contrast them. And again, that wondrous and traditionaly CRUNCH as you bite in.

So, how often do you go to the doctor?


Simon said...


Um... how 'bout them apples?

Mark said...

CBB - I also eat an apple a day. In fact, I eat one that you did not list -- the pink lady. It results from the cross-pollination of Golden Delicious and Lady Williams (which is believed to be a cross between Rokewood and Granny Smith). Pink Lady is hands-down the best apple I've ever eaten, with the crispy bite of a Granny but the sweet flavor of... well, they're good. Try them if you can find them.

I was very impressed that you mentioned Arkansas Black. I was brought up in Arkansas, and we had a hard time finding them.

Carlie said...

An apple a day, eh? How religious of you to actually follow the adage.

I was interested by your labeling the banana "the thinker's fruit"...my husband uses this exact phrase to justify his solo consumption of whole watermelons.

Cheeseburger Brown said...

Dear Girl in Black,

About the calorie net loss: I've heard that about celery, but never about apples. So, I've either learned something today or been polluted by misinformation.

Dirty bananas: Find your boyfriend and extol the virtues of the banana. He may even have a teaching aid for you.

Dear Teddy,

I go to the doctor infrequently. I eschew check-ups. I tend to book an appointment only when I'm uncomfortable for an unfathomable reason or if my blood isn't staying in.


For you, a childhood campfire song:
I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas.
A lake ta at, at, at apples and bananas.
E leke te eat, eat, eat epples end benenes.
I like ti eet, eet, eet ipples ind bininies.
O loke to oat, oat, oat opples ond bononos.
U luke tu oot, oot, oot upples und bununos.
Y lyke ty ite, ite, ite ypples ynd bynynies.

Dear Mark,

I'm sorry I missed your favourite -- it was a quick gloss. In a perfect world I would've hyperlinked each entry, but I was at work and pretending to look busy so there was a cap on how deep I could drill down.

Dear Carlie,

I have a hard time picturing the watermelon as a thinking man's fruit. I see entire watermelons being consumed by portly guys wearing no shirts who, when finished, spit out the seeds like a machine gun and crush beer cans against their foreheads.

Then again, we know how misleading stereotypes can be -- everybody knows that people who abuse stereotypes are all dicks.


Buffy said...

I visited this site because I'm hungry.


I could use a hamburger.

I'll take an apple.

Erica said...

My daughter's preschool often sets out a basket of apples for the afternoon drive home. When I walk into her classroom, her first word is not "Mommy!" or "Hi!" It is "apple?" As in, "I'm hoping against hope that today will be one of those lucky days when apples are available." ... because sometimes they are not there. And then it all goes to hell.

But she can savage an apple with the best of them. By the time we get home, there is nothing left but seeds and stickiness.

I hope this enjoyment of thinking-girl's fruit presages great things to come for her. :-)

Jewel Geek said...

If you ever have the chance, try the Pacific Rose apple. My spouse brought one up from Harry & David's in Medford, OR. I've not been able to find them since and I look at each grocery store we visit.

Thank you for such excellent writing. I was introduced to your blog through the Darth Vader blog and enjoyed the Simon of Space stories, too. Keep writing! :-)

Derek said...

My latest routine has been a grapefruit each night as I begin my second shift (9pm - 1am). Grapefruits and lemons have that extra tang needed to rouse my brain out of its near comatose state. Also, grapefruits grow in this state (AZ), and as far as I know, apples do not.

Alas, this new routine is nearly at its end, tonight I eat the last grapefruit our neighbors brought us from their tree.

Moksha Gren said...

As a fan of most fruit, I've been pondering what you said about apples vs. bananas. I'm now ready to concede that you may have a point?kinda. Bananas aren?t really a ?thinking man?s fruit,? they?re just a fruit to eat while you think about other things. They come wrapped in a convenient case that doubles as a handle while eating. Your thoughts can be miles away by the time you realize the banana is gone.

Apples, on the other hand, demand your attention. They threaten to drip on your clothes. They juice up your face. And they get harder and harder to hold onto the more you eat. You are not allowed to drift away in unrelated thought while eating an apple. They want you thinking about nothing but apples. In fact, if they had their way, you?d think about them so much that you?d sit down and write a blog all about them.

ilya said...

Most apple varieties are in danger of being lost due to standartisation imposed by supermarkets!

Check out this article:

Save the king of fruits.

Full disclosure: my last name contains the word apple in it.