The Hot Sex Solution

Hot sex is the glue that makes marriage both fun and functional, of this I am convinced. While a shallow analysis may conclude that many problems can be dwarfed when one's lust is sated, my angle is on the hot sex more as a symptom and tool rather than an end unto itself.

Basically my thesis is that if you can talk with one another frankly about intimacy issues and keep the sex hot after years of repeated couplings, you can talk about anything. In order to keep satisfying and exciting one another and to avoid sinking into a rut, you're pretty much obliged to be in touch with one another's feelings, appetites and sources of frustration or alienation.

Seriously, how hard is it to have a candid conversation about how you treat each other in a daily basis when you've just had a chat about how to make each other come with greater zeal? It can be awkward. It can be embarrassing. It requires a hard look at what you want, what you expect, and what you give. It requires honesty and careful listening.

In short, the tools you have to bring to the table to iron out wrinkles in the lovemaking are the same tools you're supposed to bring to bear on every aspect of your relationship -- only in the other parts the immediate rewards can be less clear. Wanting to understand your partner's feelings is a prerequisite for success, and finding the motivation is easy when the carrot at the end of the stick is hot, hot porno lovin'.

While it may be possible on the short term to have a satisfying love life with someone you resent or hate or feel distant from, I don't think such grooves can usually last. Sooner or later something in somebody changes, and what they require shifts. If you're too out of touch to track those shifts, the orgasms stop or become masturbatory. Soon it becomes harder to work up the enthusiasm to begin, or harder to look one another in the eye afterward. Eventually you find yourself on altogether different missions, clinging to dark buoys, unhappy, bitter, or even sailing into foreign ports.

I know some guys married to MILFs who complain that they never get any. They have no idea where along the way they dropped the ball. At some point things just started to suck a bit, so they watched TV instead of snuggling. As time went by they become habituated to being physically alienated from one another. It wasn't something they talked about, except for the guy to sporadically mumble that he may feel under-serviced or the girl to mutter about how things just didn't feel right. Then they watched American Idol and fell asleep.

And then they're surprised to find that a decade has passed and they don't like each other's friends.

In the words of one acquaintance of mine, they have become "colleagues in a company" whose product is raising children and balancing the chequebook. Their relationships are amicable and professional, like my relationship with the Tim Horton's girl who sells me tea at the side of the highway.

That's sweet, in a way. I mean, better for the kids that their parents are friends rather than enemies. But I think the love and listening flows better when the heads of a household are also crazy about each other. Parents are, after all, the foundation blueprint upon which children base their model of what romantic relationships look and sound like.

"Mommy, is there romance in the world?"

"Yes dear, just not at our house."

I have gained more insight into what my wife wants and needs in her life by her descriptions of what she wants and needs in bed than from any other source. It is a subject impossible to discuss without candour. Those who would hint are forced to speak openly or be left unsatisfied. Those who would brood are forced to come to terms with what they'd really like to say, or risk sleeping alone. Those who would act only selfishly find themselves playing second fiddle to a battery-powered marital aid. Those who would act only selflessly in order to avoid conflict or awkward confessions find themselves resentful and bored.

Okay, I know lust is a sin.

I never claimed to be a religious man.

But I am a happily married man who not infrequently enjoys the privilege of making his wife squeal like a getaway car. It hasn't always been easy -- particularly for a spell immediately following the birth of our first child -- but we've always managed to get back on track with a dose of frank discussion, patience and a dollop of shameless experimentation.

In conclusion, hot sex is a litmus test that broadcasts the health of the intimacy between you and your partner. Being communicative about sex as a means of keeping it hot is also a way to train one another to be more sensitive to less intimate wants and needs. And hot sex is an excellent motivator for keeping in touch with your partner's feelings, because the reward for your efforts is -- well, hot sex -- and its associated rewards like feeling trusted, feeling desirable, and enjoying the metaphysical connectivity of big time sensuality.

Yes friends, I heartily and without reservation endorse hot sex and the full panoply of its itinerant benefits. And that's one to grow on.


Simon said...

Matthew, this post is very poignant, made even more so for me by your timing. Having a toddler and an infant in the house is something to which you can definitely relate. There has been alarmingly little of the luvin' going on in my house to which you ascribe such high value; and I find it hard to disagree with any of what you said.

I had 'the snip' after our second and mentioned to my wife last night that I could probably take my sample in to confirm the anticipated lack of swimmers.

"But isn't it how many times you shoot rather than the length of time that goes by that matter?"


"But we've only... But that means you've..."



Of course, it's all that went unsaid in that conversation that was brought to mind reading your post today. You've given me a great deal more to stew over this weekend than I otherwise would have.

Moksha Gren said...

I'm noticing a rise in the number of "Self-Help by Cheeseburger" blogs lately. And I'd complain if it weren't for the fact that they've all been really good. You're sneaking in self-improvement lectures by cleverly disguising them as entertainment. It's crafty Mr. Brown, and I like it.
Lovemaking in the Gren home has dwindled a bit with my lovely wife about to pop with child. But the lines of communication are open and I hope to report a full recovery of marital bliss once we've recouped from the birth. Your Trimester Reports were a great help during the pregancy, and your cander about your sex life serves as a nice road map for us now. Thanks

Cheeseburger Brown said...


Immediately following the birth of our first, we had an intimacy crash. Recovering from it was not the product of any single revelation or conversation or physical click moment, but a series of all of the above with several backward slides in between.

If I took one thing out of it all it was that mentioning unmentionables eases the way.


Mark said...

One of my favorite movie lines comes from "Just One of the Guys."

"Oh, I've had lots of sex. I just think it's time to try it with a partner."

Great insights, CBB. Communicating about this kind of thing is VERY awkward for my wife. Loss of drive brought on by antidepressants is part of that, but a lack of effort on both our parts also is to blame.

Congrats to you and yours for making the time and using the energy to have regular hot sex.

(P.S. how's Simon of Space coming along?)

Cheeseburger Brown said...


Finding time for "Simon of Space" has been difficult, which one must mostly chalk up to artistic temperment. Pouring over a manuscript I've already departed from creatively doesn't always make #1 on my priority list when time to do *anything* creative has been scarce these past six months.

That being said, it's coming along. The editor promises the next significant chunk of manuscript will be in my hands any day now. The further in we get the more rewrites are called for, so it's been slow going.

I do, however, have a few other irons in the fire to be announced soonish.